


Maybe In the Afterlife

by percyval



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Depression, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6629380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/percyval/pseuds/percyval
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To be blunt -- it's Eggsy's suicide note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe In the Afterlife

_To whoever reads this, I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry that I had to go and be a goddamned idiot like I always have. I know no one wants to hear what Eggsy's gone and done again, especially in this circumstance._

_But I thought I'd leave a note, because you deserve to know why exactly I thought this was my only opinion._

_If I was in my right mind, I wouldn't even have thought of doing this. But now, I don't know what else to do. My better half isn't here and I'm lost._

_I don't want this to sound typical, like "I've always been troubled, but no one noticed."_

_But, to be fair, no one exactly noticed that I've been unhappy for many years now. A few people might have noticed, but not enough to make a difference. Out of those people, no one even ever asked if something was wrong, if I was okay. But that's fine. It's all fine. Until now, no one noticed I felt poorly._

_I've never wanted to be a sad story, one that ends in tragedy. Though, today I think I just can't keep doing this anymore. It's repetitive--wake up, leave so I don't have to see Mum unhappy, go home at night if I think it's safe. With random events dispersed in between. I really just am getting sick of my life, and to be perfectly honest, I'm sure no one is even going to read this note, beyond the officers who come find my body to deduce it's a suicide when they could just use some fucking common sense and figure it out in a few seconds._

_Sorry._

_But, now, how about some shout outs?_

_\- Dean. You fucked up. You fucked up so bad, but you seem to think that you've done nothing wrong. You're the only person who could be reading this note that I will not apologize to. I have nothing to apologize to you for. But I'm not going to blame you. That's low, that's fucking cruel, no one should have to think that they caused someone to end their life._

_\- Mum. You did your best, I commend you for doing everything you did. That bloke Harry told me to keep you safe, and I should have paid attention to that. Because you did need help with Dean. I wish I could have helped. I feel incredibly selfish doing this, and leaving you to have to stay with Dean, unless you divorce him and find your own means of keeping afloat. One of the only regrets I have for doing this is that I'm leaving you, like Dad. I'm sorry, I love you._

_\- Daisy. I doubt you're able to read this right now, or comprehend that your brother is dead. If you have the crushing feeling of being an only child hit you when you're older, you'll know why it hurts so much. I hope Mum breaks it to you the right way, and that she doesn't just erase me from her memory. It might be better for her, but just know, she'll likely bring me up for a while after I'm dead, but stop once she's somewhat over it, or she's decided she doesn't want to mourn anymore, and just focus on raising you proper. I'm sorry you barely ever got to know me, but just know that I knew you well, and I love you, too._

_\- Dad. I might see you, maybe in the afterlife. But I don't think I will. From what Harry, Merlin, and Mum say about you, you were an amazing man. A great Kingsman agent and a great father and husband. I'm proud to think that I resemble you in any way, but just know, that you're amazing. I care for you very much, even if I barely knew you. Despite barely remembering you, I love you, and hope I haven't disappointed you._

_\- Ryan and Jamal. We barely talk anymore. And, by these circumstances, we won't, ever again. Unless I end up surviving my suicide attempt. In which case, all of this can be scrapped. But you were my best mates, and we had more fun than I ever thought I'd have moving into the flat. Thanks for being there for me, even if it wasn't exactly a long time._

_\- Roxy. You made me feel less like a chav. You actually made me feel like I was equal to you, and not some lowly common-type. I am proud of being common, but your kindness did help during that period when I wasn't exactly feeling Kingsman-material. I'm sorry that I didn't message you when you asked me if I was happy. I'm sorry I haven't messaged you in two weeks, or two months, or two years now, if you end up keeping your part of the note and deciding to read it every once in a while because you want to keep my memory alive, or you're just upset. Thank you for doing what you did--it was more than appreciated, love._

_\- Charlie. Fuck you. I was just thinking about you while writing about Roxy, and while I know you're never going to see this, fuck you. That's all._

_\- Merlin. I really liked hanging out with you. Hearing you blather on about your gadgets, having me test them out, teaching me how to use your clipboard when Harry was in his coma and I was distraught about it during breaks from training. You gave me special treatment that I really didn't deserve, but you did it anyway. Despite all the kilt and bagpipe jokes, you happily befriended me and enjoyed being around me. I can't thank you enough for being there when Harry couldn't be, and I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't become greatly sick with worry._

_\- Finally, Harry. I'm sure I forgot one or two people who need acknowledgement, but right now, I want to wrap up the shout outs and get to you. I have the most to say to you. You believed in me. You treated me kindly when I deserved it and harshly when I fucked up. You taught me to be a gentleman, you helped me and you never once gave up on me. You deserve something for never giving up on me, a medal or otherwise. I'm happy that you never gave up, and you persisted on making me feel worthwhile. I decided to have my last drink be a Guinness, in honor of you. You had to go and die, and then return a few months later perfectly unscathed beyond a robot eye. You have no idea how much that fucked me up. But then when you came back, you admitted you missed me, and that you were glad I survived V-Day. Kinda mean to Merlin, but alright. It was nice, thinking I was very important in your life. I might have been, and I might still be now when you're older and retiring from Kingsman. You might be telling recruits stories about me, and how Roxy and I stopped V-Day (With the help of Merlin). That would be kickass. But, you might not be. You might even be barely shocked by my suicide. It might mean nothing to you. I don't know. But thank you for all you did. It was nice having someone who cared so much about me. Right now, I'm hoping you find this letter first, because I need to admit one thing that might shock and gross-out anyone else who reads this._  
_Here it goes._  
 _ I like you, Harry._  
 _Like in the way that if I hadn't been so set on killing myself, that I'd be turning up on your doorstep and begging you to let me in so I can kiss you. Like a kiss would stop me from killing myself, but it would be a nicer way to go, instead of trapped up in my room alone, getting drunk before I go off on a bridge and plunge. Harry, thank you for all you've done. You were fairly new to my life, but you made one of the biggest impacts on me. Thank you for all of it. Thank you. I'm sorry I only wrote that I love you when you likely will never see it. But I do. And I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you while I was still around._

_Anyway, this might be all I have to write._

_I have to get going, if I want to get myself killed somewhat discreetly._

_\- Eggsy Unwin_

 

 


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